did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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