I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
