Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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