who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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