When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
