i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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