I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
