she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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