Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
