It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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