Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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