I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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