Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
