Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
