He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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