I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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