I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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