I hate all girls vehemently.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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