i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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