i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
