After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
