If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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