there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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