im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
