ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
