Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He has the fingertips of a God
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