just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
