I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
