guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
