I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
