I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
