I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
