I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
