If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
