Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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