broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
