Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
