So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
