Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
