someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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