When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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