His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
