I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
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Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
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