It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
