oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
