She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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