I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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