guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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