I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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