how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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