I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
