before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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