The maid of honor just puked.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
