We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
