The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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