I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
