theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
