i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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