I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
