I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
