I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
