I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You pole danced in your parka.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
