I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
