I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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