Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
